Today was a special day. It’d be my grandma’s 93th birthday. She passed away last November. I was thinking about a way to remember her, but in a happier way, no crying, no flowers. She always said that the world could end in pot pie (Empadão, a Brazilian kind of pot pie with chicken or palm heart stuffing), ice cream and beer. So I decided cooking would be the best way to celebrate her. I was drinking beer while cooking and had another one when we’re eating. Woo-ha! The ice cream will be eaten later today, no worries. She’s too important to me to make this a sad day. Her life wasn’t easy and her last years were rough. But she’s kind, polite and geez, I loved seeing her smiling with her bluish loving eyes. She lives in my memory. Cheers, Grandma!
I think that birthdays are kind of meh. Nothing compared to when I was a kid, that they’re amazing! Party, family, friends, gifts and cake guaranteed for the entire week. But turning forty is something like a milestone, right?!
Not because of that old saying that life begins at forty, but because it’s another decade that I’m here, joyful and lively, on Earth.
memories are forever
In 2006 I lost a close friend I had known since I was a kid. We studied together and then we grew up together. We lived on the same street, we shared experiences, laughter and friends. His family was normal compared to mine, and as a bonus I had three brothers and a dog. He was the oldest of the three boys and would also turn 40 this year. He was killed in a robbery in January 2006.
Every year that passes, I think it’s one more year without him and I wonder what he would be doing if he was still here, what would be his appearance and I even imagine that he would be very anxious to see in the cinema the new version of Power Rangers!
And in those dark days that eventually happen, I think that at least I’m living here and I feel it’s kinda my duty to live my life and enjoy every ray of sunshine, every wind blowing, every new landscape that I have the privilege to see, because he is not here to do these things.
This year also had a lump in the throat extra: first time I have a birthday without my grandma around. The feeling is very strange, like a little piece of the puzzle that has been lost and never will be back back.
I even thought: ugh! 40 years already! But then I remembered that not everyone I loved came so far, so I swallowed the mimimi, put on my Wonder Woman clothes and got ready for another year.
“To deny your age is to deny you’ve survived.” – Nikki Giovani
p.s.: The card was gift from my friend Carol, and of course, I loved it! 😀
I needed to write a short bio about myself. I wrote this. Can’t use this, but I liked anyway. It’s good update from the original.
My name is Ana Carolina, but I prefer just Caroll. I was born in 77. I’m a feminist. I’m a single mother (I was 17 when my son was born). I have asthma. I’m an Atheist. I love the sea, but I’m learning to love the mountains too. I love tattoos, I have nine, but a lot more to go. I was born in Curitiba, irony, I don’t like to feel cold. I love coffee and chocolate. I love dogs. I volunteer in an animal shelter. I procrastinate. I read a lot. I’m still a big Harry Potter fan. I love cinema. I like kettlecorn. I collect penguins. I miss my grandma a lot. I love wine and beer. I enjoy cooking once in awhile. I love to drive. I’m an introvert and a high empath, somedays are harder than others. I prefer fiction. I have blue hair, but it was purple before. I’m a PMJ fan. I love bacon. I miss my friends. I hate makeup. My patronus is a white mare. I like comfy clothes. I hate writing about myself.
Some days are just harder than others.
Most of the days I go to the animal shelter because I want to help the dogs. Some other days I need them to help me, like today. I just needed some puppy love, cuddles, pit smiles and some company. Thank you.
- a feeling of longing, melancholy, or nostalgia that is supposedly characteristic of the Portuguese or Brazilian temperament.
One thing that I miss the most in these days is to call to my grandma and talk to her. No, she is still alive but in no condition to talk as we used to. I think if she could choose live like that or be star stuff, I have no doubts that she would be star stuff, but this is another complex subject…
I used to call her almost everyday, you know, for chit chat. Sometimes I wanted to tell her something that have happened to me, or something funny that I knew she would laugh a lot or sometimes I was feeling sad and just talking to her would lift my mood instantly.
Frequently now I have this urge to get the phone and call her and have just some chit chat, hear her voice, hear her laughing and tell her how much I miss her and how much difference she made in my life. But you know, sometimes our brains are douche-bags, I just feel that “I’ll call Grandma” and one second after I remember that I can’t do it anymore.
I stopped telling myself that I’m lost.
I’m on a road with no destination, I’m just driving with hope that I’ll find a place that I like and I’ll stay there.
I’m not lost, I’m on my way.
For the past week I was trying to get a feral cat that lives around us and seems to be very, very sick to take it to the vet. Well, after rent a big trap from the shelter, 3 cans of cat food, tuna and make the trap comfy, I just gave up.
I don’t know if the cat is too dumb or too smart to be catch. Maybe the dumb one was me. 😛
Be bold, be wild, til the end lil’ cat.
I want to be merry too…
After all 2014 was a great year, but I want to be merry for the right reasons.
I’m merry for my son, my partner, my family, my godson, my friends, my Configr team, my dog lovers fellows, my mentors, my doctor, my squirrels, my shelter dogs… all of you made my 2014 brighter.
I’m merry for a lot of other people too, their work and passion make possible a better life for all humankind and animals and their curiosity is leading us to further, to infinite and beyond, to know and understand a little bit more of our world where the sky isn’t the limit anymore. We want to know more, be better, be healthier, be wiser… to those people: thank you!
I’m merry for the people that:
- give amputees pretty new prosthetic arms controlled by their thoughts;
- give to dogs new printed legs to run;
- 3D printers and their cool uses;
- work hard to save and rehabilitate animals in need;
- fight against ignorance, like Bill Nye, Neil deGrasse Tyson, John Stewart, American Atheists, Carl Sagan, etc.;
- works at Nasa, you rock!
- fight for equality, freedom and civil rights, from the things of everyday life to the big causes;
- respect others, no matter color, gender or sexual orientation;
- do good for goodness’s sake not waiting for a reward or for fearing a raging imaginary friend.
“I know I was born and I know that I’ll die… The in between is mine. I Am Mine” ― Eddie Vedder
mom, dad, family and friends
I know that this could be hard for you, after all those years, discover something about me this way. I know that some of you’ll think “I knew it!” and other will be surprised, even saying “What I did wrong???”, but I can’t ignore this urge to tell the truth, to finally accept and be accepted by who I truly am.
I’m just tired to lie to you, to go on this façade that is consuming for me. You did nothing wrong, you tried your best, I tried to, for so long, tried to fit, to understand, to find myself but each time that I tried it just got worse and I had more doubts instead of answers. I feel free this way, I can now understand that accepting the true can really set you free.
Of course that this was/is not easy for me too, far from it. I still need to clean myself from years trying to fit, trying to find reason where there was none. I still have so much to learn, to change, to let this guilt without reason go away, to let behind this weight of hundreds of years of shaming and fear.
*Yes, I am an atheist and I’m proud of that. *
I know that this is not for everybody and most of people, sadly, still don’t accept, respect or understand. I’m happy that I can finally find peace when I look to the world with my new eyes. I can finally understand that some things aren’t important anymore, that power, money, greed, jealous, hate, prejudice, ignorance, darkness, these things mean nothing in face of the new values as love, respect, ephemeralness, freedom and equality.
I don’t hate gods, I just don’t believe they exist. Maybe I change my mind when I saw any evidence, but now, I can’t.
I don’t care if you have a religion or not, if you believe in one or many gods or in the flying spaghetti monster, I don’t care, really. For me, since you’re a good person, you respect me and respect the others, fine, perfect, but please, don’t try convert me, don’t shame me, don’t try inflict your beliefs on other people, and most important, never, ever, try to run over the civil rights of those who do not think like you. Never.
It’s very simple, should not be this difficult to live in peace.
p.s.: I feel good outside of the closet. 😉
Some days, after a voice call with my son, I keep thinking that I wasn’t that bad at all. He always shows me that expected part that we all received from our parents, but he added some brand new things, that most of times, amazes me. Oh of course we had some bad moments, but even they are part of our life, these moments help us decide (in the hard way) what we want to be, open our eyes.
For a long time I worried because I didn’t raise my child to be a good Christian. I raised him to be a good person, a good human being. Mostly because how could I teach my son about the unquestionable truths of God if even I couldn’t believe on it myself?
I tried, really, I had good religious friends and family and some of them opened opportunities that I could learn more about theirs religion. I studied in a public school most of life, and in that time, everybody should learn Catholicism. Few teachers had balls enough to teach about other religions, and they were not seen as good teachers by the school. Dark age? No, no, mid 80’s and 90’s. I saw a little bit of everything and nothing could really makes sense to me, even the Flying Spaghetti Monster seemed to be a better choice.
Well, I gave up. I can’t remember the last time I went to a church, and none was by my will, someone died, someone married, or something like that. Everything is so theatrical that I had problems to hold back laughter.
So, I never could force my son to these things. I always said to myself that when he became a grown up he could choose, and he did. But he didn’t wait for the religion to say what was right or wrong, what he could or couldn’t do. He used all his background to decide all these things. He doesn’t hide behind any religion to make his decisions or defend his point of view.
He is young, and so, he has that burning passion, that faith where everyone should be respected, despite gender, sexual orientation, politics, race, religion or hair color, and being that way when you were born in a place with so many social differences, prejudice, misogyny and corruption, after all, is a triumph.